Today’s Blog: The Silent Shame
TODAY’S PROVERB: Three things are never satisfied, four never say, “Enough!”— Sheol, a barren womb, land that is not satisfied with water, and fire that never says, “Enough!” Proverbs 30:15b-16, TLV
Especially during this season, the barren womb is one of the most heart crushing conditions out there. Infertility occurs in 10-15% of couples. Medical experts believe those numbers will increase because of an increase in oestrogen levels from oral contraceptives in the general water supply.
Those fortunate enough to have the finances to afford the various fertility “treatments” are not guaranteed results. The same applies to adoption. Not everyone can afford to adopt a child.
The Silent Shame
One-third of infertility issues stem from the woman, the same for the man. The final one-third is a problem with both, or the cause is unknown. Regardless of the “fault,” to know over years of grief that we won’t be able to be “fruitful and multiply” is devastating. I call it the “Silent Shame.”
I developed infertility after my daughter was born. My daughter developed infertility without ever having a child. The pain is real.
Why am I bringing this up — it’s pretty depressing, isn’t it? I bring it up because we probably all know couples without children. We may have assumed it was by choice. Just know, it may not be. Their repeated “no-shows” at family get-togethers and holidays, or their pasted-on smiles when they do show up are some of the signs. Others are better at hiding the pain.
Ways to support
If someone trusts you enough to share this difficult journey, it is an honor and a challenge. I checked a few websites* and gleaned the things that would have been helpful to me:
- Ask them what they need. So simple, but whether they are in the rigors of infertility treatments, adoption, or their monthly cycles mean another disappointment, ask them. If they retreat or say, “Nothing.” Respect that and pray. The LORD may lead you to drop off a card or flowers or veggies from your garden. Just show them you understand as much as possible that the pain is real.
- Say the right things. A simple:”I am so sorry.” or “I’m here to listen if you want to talk.” will go a long way. Nothing profound. Just caring.
- A bit of research can help or hinder. Knowing what your friend is going through physically and emotionally can be helpful. But not if you use the information to advise. Please do not do that. Understanding the infertility or adoption processes help us to listen better, have more compassion, and to better know how to pray.
What NOT to Do
Even if you aren’t able to do the above things to help your friend, these Don’ts will go a long way in helping. Sharing them with family and other friends will help as well.
Don’t say these things:
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- Anything that begins with: “At least.” As in: At least it isn’t cancer, or you still have your health, or after a miscarriage: “At least you can get pregnant.”
- Anything that begins with: “You can always.” As in: “You can always adopt” [we weren’t able to]. Or, “You can always try IVF” [we couldn’t afford it].
- “You’re lucky you don’t have kids — or more kids.” These are like arrows to the heart for your friend, especially if you have a houseful of children. No matter how frustrated you might be on any given day with your own blessings, this is a don’t-go-there.
- “Comforts” that try to minimize the pain. Let them feel it. Pray for them. Our Heavenly Father knows how to comfort your friend in the most intimate of ways. Don’t try to be Him. You will fail.
- Don’t NOT invite them to family events or holidays. Your friend/family member may not be emotionally able to attend all the time, but knowing they have family/support is helpful to the healing process.
- Don’t give advice relating to lifestyle or spiritual improvements. Please don’t say, “Pray harder.” Or “You just have to press in with more faith.” Don’t advise them to lose weight, get more sleep, eat organic, or quit their stressful jobs. Or remind them to watch how they act, because they need to be a good witness to others.
Those don’ts are really important — I know.
As we approach 2020, I would like to challenge us to be more observant to the silent shame of infertility. Pray to see if our Father has appointed someone for us to support and/or pray for. It will be a mitzvah [good deed] of the sweetest, healing order.
May we support those who suffer in shame, my friends.
Proverbs 30:15b-16 Tree of Life Version – TLV, #tlvbible, #tlvproverbs
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*Resources:
